A few days ago was Valentine's Day. To me, this day is like any other day. I feel that too many holidays have become commercialized. Valentine's Day should not be recognized ONE day each year. Just as you should celebrate your birth and life every day of the year, I believe you should celebrate love, happiness, friendship, family, peace and growth EVERY day of the year. This should be what you are grateful for, what you are thankful for, and what you strive to keep close to your heart every day of the year.
Let me lay out a couple scenes for you:
On Valentine's Day, I scrolled through Facebook and was a bit saddened by many of the posts I saw. People flashing flowers and gifts on the screen, remarking how their 'significant other was the best and they love them so much BECAUSE they got them such and such'.
I was in the grocery store yesterday, and overheard a child asking her mother if she could have a candy bar. The mother gave in and said yes. The daughter was so overjoyed as she said (and I quote), 'Oh Mom, you're the best. Thank you so much. I love you so much.'
I know maybe I'm nit-picking. I know these people most likely love the others in their lives for many more reasons than 'because they got this for me'. But, as a society I have seen this so much, and it just eats away at me.
I do not measure the worth of my relationships with those in my life because of what they can provide for me. I measure it by how they make me feel, how they make me think, and if they are actually there to help the sunshine remain in my life or if they are there to try to suck every last breath from me.
I would like to jump back a bit, to a post I created in reference to someone who is no longer in my life. I had mentioned that everything happens for a reason, and everything...was going to be alright.
Reading along in my recent posts, I have mentioned Tim. Tim and I met not long after my break up that shook my core. When we first got together we had an amazing and fun chemistry. We laughed together, spent as much time together as we could, and had the normal honeymoon style relationship most people encounter. But I was still stuck in phase one trying to crawl out from under the spell my previous boyfriend had on me, and it wasn't remotely fair to Tim to try to build a relationship from that. Over the next couple years we tried off and on to reproach that spark with a new outlook. Inevitably it always came back too hard for me because I wasn't allowing myself to be ready.
Tim and I continued our friendship, sharing struggles, laughs, memories, hardships, loves and losses. He looked to me and I looked to him. Essentially we were living the life of a couple, without being a couple. That got me through the next couple years.
Why did he stick with it? He must have sensed what I realize now. It was just meant to be, gosh darn it. Stop sticking your feet in the muck and go with it!
So you may ask what made the light bulb go off for me? I don't think it was any one 'a-ha!' moment. When I allowed myself to step back and breath for a moment, concentrate on me, my direction, my life, my world, I realized that he was in it. He was playing a very vibrant part in my play and he fit. He had a way of playing numerous characters depending on what situation I threw at him, and what's more, he accepted the challenge every time. Every...time.
So when you ask me what I think makes a relationship, it's not whether he remembers to buy me flowers, it's that he remembers I would prefer flowers over jewelry any day. It's not whether he can afford to take me to some exotic island, it's that he remembers that a simple walk in the woods helps rejuvenate my spirit more than any drug could try. It's not whether he tells me he loves me, it's that I know without him telling me.
We have a relationship that is NOT a fairy tale. It's real, it's raw, it's happy, it's painful, it's ridiculous, it's memorable, it's cloudy, it's confusing, it's exactly as it should be.
It's more than words. It's what completes my soul and balances my existence.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Taste The Rainbow
Side stepping off my last post, I wanted to go further and mention that as much as I have realized (more recently than not) that I don't need for much in this world, there was a time when I was greedy and wanted what I wanted cause gosh darn it I worked hard and I wanted it, so there! Yes, I've grown up since then thankfully. I don't think I could tolerate being in the same room as that person, and I'm pretty tolerable. Now because I have a past, I also have debt. Lots.of.debt. I am currently trying to crawl out from under that so that I can possibly move forward and leave it where it should be...next to the tantrum child I described above.
So I sought out for a job that would provide for me now, and help me shovel the dirt (in forms of green) over my hole of debt I had created.
I found my current job almost unexpectedly, but thanks to 'glowing' references, I was hired. For the first time in my life I was actually disappointed by this. I didn't want to leave my previous job, but I knew it was for the best. There was a need for me to start immediately, but I insisted on giving my two weeks notice. Although I knew the my new schedule would make it near impossible to help out there, I offered to stay on the payroll just in case.
I began my new journey in my current job in the beginning of October last year. And what a journey it has been! In all fairness, despite being saddened by the reasoning of being there, I felt it necessary to make the best of it. It's not in me to be pessimistic. I generally approach every situation with an open mind, ready to give the benefit of the doubt in clear hopes all will work out with a balance in the end.
Well, I have to say approximately 4 months later...my current workplace has done everything short of smash my head in with the kitchen sink to make my life seem utterly chaotic. It's very difficult for me to put this into words(but I'll try to create a visual).
I hit the ground running...attempting at a straight line, but often being shoved off course. Two visions come to mind:
One memory I have is of a squirrel who must have been clipped by a vehicle and was running from one side of the road to the other frantically in circles. Clearly blinded by confusion it covered the same path over and back, searching for something familiar to take its hand and guide it out of this painful breathtaking moment.
Second (and what I have been envisioning coming next), a few years ago when Tim and I were headed home from a friend's wedding, we came across a fox who had been hit and left for dead. His hind quarters were stuck to the road because of the impact and he was screeching out in desperation. Each mournful sound shook my core. We pulled over and Tim tried to salvage the strength to do what he knew had to be done. He searched his car to find something that was strong enough to complete the damage.
I made the mistake of looking in the side mirror once to watch him bring his arm up and forcefully down and see the poor fox still crying out after each blow. Finally he succumb to the injuries and Tim scooped up the limp body and placed it well off the side of the road.
Now for those of you who try to read far too much into things, put down the phone...this is not a suicidal cry for help. I'm simply stating I am just about at my whit's end, BUT I am currently examining my options, and I know when the time is right, it will come to me.
Until then, I will forge forward as I always do. Thinking happy thoughts.
Happy...unicorn farting rainbow thoughts...
So I sought out for a job that would provide for me now, and help me shovel the dirt (in forms of green) over my hole of debt I had created.
I found my current job almost unexpectedly, but thanks to 'glowing' references, I was hired. For the first time in my life I was actually disappointed by this. I didn't want to leave my previous job, but I knew it was for the best. There was a need for me to start immediately, but I insisted on giving my two weeks notice. Although I knew the my new schedule would make it near impossible to help out there, I offered to stay on the payroll just in case.
I began my new journey in my current job in the beginning of October last year. And what a journey it has been! In all fairness, despite being saddened by the reasoning of being there, I felt it necessary to make the best of it. It's not in me to be pessimistic. I generally approach every situation with an open mind, ready to give the benefit of the doubt in clear hopes all will work out with a balance in the end.
Well, I have to say approximately 4 months later...my current workplace has done everything short of smash my head in with the kitchen sink to make my life seem utterly chaotic. It's very difficult for me to put this into words(but I'll try to create a visual).
I hit the ground running...attempting at a straight line, but often being shoved off course. Two visions come to mind:
One memory I have is of a squirrel who must have been clipped by a vehicle and was running from one side of the road to the other frantically in circles. Clearly blinded by confusion it covered the same path over and back, searching for something familiar to take its hand and guide it out of this painful breathtaking moment.
Second (and what I have been envisioning coming next), a few years ago when Tim and I were headed home from a friend's wedding, we came across a fox who had been hit and left for dead. His hind quarters were stuck to the road because of the impact and he was screeching out in desperation. Each mournful sound shook my core. We pulled over and Tim tried to salvage the strength to do what he knew had to be done. He searched his car to find something that was strong enough to complete the damage.
I made the mistake of looking in the side mirror once to watch him bring his arm up and forcefully down and see the poor fox still crying out after each blow. Finally he succumb to the injuries and Tim scooped up the limp body and placed it well off the side of the road.
Now for those of you who try to read far too much into things, put down the phone...this is not a suicidal cry for help. I'm simply stating I am just about at my whit's end, BUT I am currently examining my options, and I know when the time is right, it will come to me.
Until then, I will forge forward as I always do. Thinking happy thoughts.
Happy...unicorn farting rainbow thoughts...
Piece Of The Pie
Through a referral from a sweet friend, I was able to obtain a job working every Saturday 4-8 am at a local resident home. It wasn't easy given the hour I had to go to bed and wake up, only to work 4 hours a week, but it was a foot in the door. I met many wonderful, interesting, kind souls and am grateful for my experience there. For nearly a year, I stayed on, able to land more hours working my way to full time and struggle to still search for a job that could get me off unemployment.
Sadly, it didn't happen. I took myself off unemployment prematurely because I simply couldn't take the stress of trying to prove myself to one more person. Each week you were required to prove you had submitted your application/resume to at least two jobs. You were required to search within 90 miles of public transit and 150 miles of your home base.
Being in a small area + having an unreliable vehicle (therefore not able to travel far) = nearly impossible to find a job or find anyone even offering.
The problem with some of the jobs in this area is that even though the local business is filled with hard working, decent, caring people, it is often run by a larger organization. Don't get me started on them...that's likely a topic for another blog spot. So, though it would have been ideal to have me working there full time able to help out and spread my worth, corporate did not see eye to eye with our pleas. Alas, the search began for something that could help me pay my bills and possibly build me a little money to set aside for a brighter future.
I have to mention, I live a very simple life. I don't ask for much. Years ago when I traveled cross country for my job, I packed all I needed for three months in my Subi and took to the road. It.was.wonderful. I was eye opening and a reality check. We are such a wasteful and greedy society, and I only see it getting toxically worse in the next generation. Now, I have to admit, I've been there. I can't say I wanted for much growing up. But through my life, I have come to realize what I NEED and what I think I need, and I try to keep myself in check with this. It's not always easy, it's actually easier some days to fall under that magical spell of bigger, better, more MORE more!! But, if you give yourself the opportunity to step back and breath, I can almost guarantee (depending on if you are willing to see it) you will realize what you think you need, you really don't need.
Sadly, it didn't happen. I took myself off unemployment prematurely because I simply couldn't take the stress of trying to prove myself to one more person. Each week you were required to prove you had submitted your application/resume to at least two jobs. You were required to search within 90 miles of public transit and 150 miles of your home base.
Being in a small area + having an unreliable vehicle (therefore not able to travel far) = nearly impossible to find a job or find anyone even offering.
The problem with some of the jobs in this area is that even though the local business is filled with hard working, decent, caring people, it is often run by a larger organization. Don't get me started on them...that's likely a topic for another blog spot. So, though it would have been ideal to have me working there full time able to help out and spread my worth, corporate did not see eye to eye with our pleas. Alas, the search began for something that could help me pay my bills and possibly build me a little money to set aside for a brighter future.
I have to mention, I live a very simple life. I don't ask for much. Years ago when I traveled cross country for my job, I packed all I needed for three months in my Subi and took to the road. It.was.wonderful. I was eye opening and a reality check. We are such a wasteful and greedy society, and I only see it getting toxically worse in the next generation. Now, I have to admit, I've been there. I can't say I wanted for much growing up. But through my life, I have come to realize what I NEED and what I think I need, and I try to keep myself in check with this. It's not always easy, it's actually easier some days to fall under that magical spell of bigger, better, more MORE more!! But, if you give yourself the opportunity to step back and breath, I can almost guarantee (depending on if you are willing to see it) you will realize what you think you need, you really don't need.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The Winner Takes It All
Okay, now for the punch in the gut. Unfortunately the place I was working was not managed well. My supervisor and I did not get a long, we were too completely different people with completely different interests and personalities. I seemed to do nothing right, and everything I did do was questioned. I followed instruction, but still was called out. Non-the-less, I stuck to it but, was in search of a different job. *Side note...I started 'seriously' searching for a job and apartment in October 2011. It took me until around February 2012 before there was a mere bite!* I knew this wasn't going to be an easy process, but my job was that bad, so I pressed on.
One day in August, just as I was getting ready to leave, my supervisors' supervisor asked me to come to her office. Once there, my supervisor arrived carrying a folder with a smug look on her face. Instantly my stomach tied in knots. I knew this couldn't be good. For the next hour or so, my supervisor laid receipts and paperwork out on the table stating 'there were discrepancies in tallies' demanding I account for them. I did not run the register, but I was there to help the volunteers that did. It was not uncommon for the register to be off, it was almost a running joke, and I was trained to 'make it right'. If there was money off, I was to make it right by using the petty cash. This is exactly what I was instructed to do. Looking back, I see how utterly ridiculous a practice that was, but I am a creature that always believes in the good in people. Since I had no answers for them, I was asked resign from my position, and 'no charges would be pressed, the topic would be dropped'. I was also told that under the circumstances of dismissal, I would not be able to collect unemployment.
Obviously, since I can't stand confrontation, I resigned. I was heartbroken and crushed, shocked beyond belief.
I chalked it up to - I am better off NOT working for an establishment like that, for someone to think I was capable of stealing from them?!
Fast forward about a month. I found a fun job working part time with some great people. I was beginning to flake the mud off my brain and think happy thoughts again. Enter a state trooper...
I was told that despite the fact that I had been told nothing further would come of this, the board wanted to press charges so that 'I wasn't allowed to go someplace else and do this again'. Now, mind you, I have (had) a completely unblemished record (ok...I have one speeding ticket and a couple ridiculous parking tickets - anyone living in Ithaca has at least one parking ticket on their record, especially if they have been on Cornell Campus). In some positions I have held I have had access to large amounts of money, I've handled accounts, I've dealt with petty cash...and have never had this issue.
So, I was advised to come down to the station within a week to give a statement. Completely shaken, I spoke with a few friends with extensive law knowledge and was actually told by a legal secretary 'If you provide a statement, I will personally break both of your knee caps'. The cold hard truth is folks, no matter how desperately one just wants to clear their name, you are not innocent. They WILL find a way to use your words against you, so the best advise is to shut up and let the grown ups talk it out and deal with it. I was also enlightened to the fact that this isn't the first (and most definitely will not be the last) time this establishment had tried (and succeeded) to throw one of their workers under the bus.
A week later, the state trooper came back to my place of employment and walked me to his car, hand-cuffed me, and read me my rights. He was nice enough, tried to make small talk as he drove me to the trooper barracks, but I was tight lipped, fighting tears, reminding myself to breath. All the while, over and over in my head I repeated the words I was told use to respond to any question asked of me 'I will not be providing a statement at this time, I will not be providing a statement at this time....I will not be providing a statement at this time'.
Tim had known this was something that might happen. I had the chance to text him a cryptic half finished message before the trooper escorted me from the building I worked in. When he got my message, he was in the middle of his swim class at school and threw his clothes on, still damp, and road his bike full speed to where I was working. After finding out I was taken in to the station, he met up with my friends' mother and headed there next.
When I arrived to the station, I sat with the trooper filling out paperwork while handcuffed to the side of his desk. I got interrogated by pretty much everyone walking through the office (possibly even the janitor), got finger printed and waited for the judge to be called. Eventually I was brought before him. I was being charged with stealing some odd sum of money ($124.79) - which is a misdemeanor, but also charged with falsifying legal documents (the records from the register) - which is a felony...jail time. Trying to hold the vomit and tears back, I answered his questions softly and respectfully. Bail was set at $500 and I was released.
My name was in the paper from getting arrested and because of such I lost my job. I had to borrow money from friends and family to obtained a lawyer.
From day one, the lawyer was gruff with me...grant it I'm sure that's how they make things happen, but he constantly questioned me and made me feel as though he didn't believe me. Because of my x-ray license I had a lot to lose, not to mention going to jail?! Each month, while the lawyer was 'preparing' and I was doing the foot work to get information for him, my court date was postponed. Each month he would wait until the night before to plea to move the date. Each month I would have to call the court the morning of the arranged date to make sure I was indeed NOT on the list.
Thousands of dollars later, unfortunately, the best thing he did for me was tell me to 'go ahead and apply for unemployment, they will probably contest it, but it's a piece of the puzzle we can use against them'. What did I have to lose? I received a phone call from the unemployment office stating my old employer was disputing my claim. She had the information of why I was let go, and asked me straight out if I did it. I flat out responded 'No'. I was granted unemployment...glad that someone believed me.
I was desperately searching for a job to get me off unemployment...having to prove I was responding to at least two employment opportunities per week anywhere within 90 miles of my home.
I tried to apply for housing help, but was told they weren't allowed to add any more people to the waiting list...they were already past 50 people, and nearly lost my apartment. The final settlement, close to a year later, was that I had to pay back the money they accused me of taking, and I am on probation for a year.
Some times it may seem that the enemy comes out ahead, but it doesn't mean they have won. If you can learn from the fall, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move forward, you are all the better for it. And that, it a much stronger defeat than they can ever dream of.
One day in August, just as I was getting ready to leave, my supervisors' supervisor asked me to come to her office. Once there, my supervisor arrived carrying a folder with a smug look on her face. Instantly my stomach tied in knots. I knew this couldn't be good. For the next hour or so, my supervisor laid receipts and paperwork out on the table stating 'there were discrepancies in tallies' demanding I account for them. I did not run the register, but I was there to help the volunteers that did. It was not uncommon for the register to be off, it was almost a running joke, and I was trained to 'make it right'. If there was money off, I was to make it right by using the petty cash. This is exactly what I was instructed to do. Looking back, I see how utterly ridiculous a practice that was, but I am a creature that always believes in the good in people. Since I had no answers for them, I was asked resign from my position, and 'no charges would be pressed, the topic would be dropped'. I was also told that under the circumstances of dismissal, I would not be able to collect unemployment.
Obviously, since I can't stand confrontation, I resigned. I was heartbroken and crushed, shocked beyond belief.
I chalked it up to - I am better off NOT working for an establishment like that, for someone to think I was capable of stealing from them?!
Fast forward about a month. I found a fun job working part time with some great people. I was beginning to flake the mud off my brain and think happy thoughts again. Enter a state trooper...
I was told that despite the fact that I had been told nothing further would come of this, the board wanted to press charges so that 'I wasn't allowed to go someplace else and do this again'. Now, mind you, I have (had) a completely unblemished record (ok...I have one speeding ticket and a couple ridiculous parking tickets - anyone living in Ithaca has at least one parking ticket on their record, especially if they have been on Cornell Campus). In some positions I have held I have had access to large amounts of money, I've handled accounts, I've dealt with petty cash...and have never had this issue.
So, I was advised to come down to the station within a week to give a statement. Completely shaken, I spoke with a few friends with extensive law knowledge and was actually told by a legal secretary 'If you provide a statement, I will personally break both of your knee caps'. The cold hard truth is folks, no matter how desperately one just wants to clear their name, you are not innocent. They WILL find a way to use your words against you, so the best advise is to shut up and let the grown ups talk it out and deal with it. I was also enlightened to the fact that this isn't the first (and most definitely will not be the last) time this establishment had tried (and succeeded) to throw one of their workers under the bus.
A week later, the state trooper came back to my place of employment and walked me to his car, hand-cuffed me, and read me my rights. He was nice enough, tried to make small talk as he drove me to the trooper barracks, but I was tight lipped, fighting tears, reminding myself to breath. All the while, over and over in my head I repeated the words I was told use to respond to any question asked of me 'I will not be providing a statement at this time, I will not be providing a statement at this time....I will not be providing a statement at this time'.
Tim had known this was something that might happen. I had the chance to text him a cryptic half finished message before the trooper escorted me from the building I worked in. When he got my message, he was in the middle of his swim class at school and threw his clothes on, still damp, and road his bike full speed to where I was working. After finding out I was taken in to the station, he met up with my friends' mother and headed there next.
When I arrived to the station, I sat with the trooper filling out paperwork while handcuffed to the side of his desk. I got interrogated by pretty much everyone walking through the office (possibly even the janitor), got finger printed and waited for the judge to be called. Eventually I was brought before him. I was being charged with stealing some odd sum of money ($124.79) - which is a misdemeanor, but also charged with falsifying legal documents (the records from the register) - which is a felony...jail time. Trying to hold the vomit and tears back, I answered his questions softly and respectfully. Bail was set at $500 and I was released.
My name was in the paper from getting arrested and because of such I lost my job. I had to borrow money from friends and family to obtained a lawyer.
From day one, the lawyer was gruff with me...grant it I'm sure that's how they make things happen, but he constantly questioned me and made me feel as though he didn't believe me. Because of my x-ray license I had a lot to lose, not to mention going to jail?! Each month, while the lawyer was 'preparing' and I was doing the foot work to get information for him, my court date was postponed. Each month he would wait until the night before to plea to move the date. Each month I would have to call the court the morning of the arranged date to make sure I was indeed NOT on the list.
Thousands of dollars later, unfortunately, the best thing he did for me was tell me to 'go ahead and apply for unemployment, they will probably contest it, but it's a piece of the puzzle we can use against them'. What did I have to lose? I received a phone call from the unemployment office stating my old employer was disputing my claim. She had the information of why I was let go, and asked me straight out if I did it. I flat out responded 'No'. I was granted unemployment...glad that someone believed me.
I was desperately searching for a job to get me off unemployment...having to prove I was responding to at least two employment opportunities per week anywhere within 90 miles of my home.
I tried to apply for housing help, but was told they weren't allowed to add any more people to the waiting list...they were already past 50 people, and nearly lost my apartment. The final settlement, close to a year later, was that I had to pay back the money they accused me of taking, and I am on probation for a year.
Some times it may seem that the enemy comes out ahead, but it doesn't mean they have won. If you can learn from the fall, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move forward, you are all the better for it. And that, it a much stronger defeat than they can ever dream of.
Float On
Some time in early summer, I was out kayaking with Gracie and Tim. Gracie enjoys swimming around us as we kayak and gets in and out of the kayak when she's tired. Never a problem...usually a smooth transition. Until...
Gracie had just gotten back into my kayak. I wasn't paying much attention to her actions, but she was apparently fixated on something that drew her immediate attention. She jumped suddenly from the kayak and flipped us.
I was completely unprepared and before I knew it I was under water. Scared, confused, gasping, flailing, all I saw was a dark brown-grey color, comprehending only the rush. I did not feel the wetness against my skin, the water churning through my fingers as I grabbed at my surroundings, the pressure building in my chest as my lungs ached for oxygen, the chill of the earth so far below my feet, I felt nothing.
It took me a moment to respond. I started fighting to get to the surface of the water. I didn't even know how far down I was. My legs were tangled in the strap of my bag. I struggled and pushed and forced. When I finally got to the top of the water my kayak was above me blocking me from the surface and knocking me back down. Down into the dark, cloudy, cold nightmare that was finally flashing into my reality. I caught a quick breath before I went back under, filtering just enough life back into my system to fight back again. My second attempt I was successful in clearing the kayak. I caught my breath and searched around for Gracie.
By that time, Tim was beside me trying to help calm me so I could focus on staying afloat. In case you haven't figured it out...I didn't have my life jacket on. I spotted Gracie swimming close by, in circles, trying to understand what was happening, and trying to get to me. When I caught my breath, I started the swim to shore. It took what felt like years to get to there, to a place that seemed to get further and further from my reach. Finally, Gracie and I climbed the jagged rocky area and sat on the bank.
Taking in the moment, slowly coming to terms with what had just happened. We watched for a moment while Tim struggled to right my old kayak (that has no drain hole).
*Tip to those who may ever find themselves in this predicament - If the person you are with flips their kayak...paddle your kayak to them...it is the much wiser choice. Not only will you get to them quicker, you will a) not have to search for your kayak and paddle later, b) be able to use your kayak to guide them (and their kayak) to shore, c) will not literally be up shit creek without a paddle.*
He finally gave up and swam over to where we were. He stated he was going to try to find his kayak, use it to grab mine, then bring it to me. Gracie, of course, had to follow. I sat there for some time...waiting...thinking...still not fully grasping the fact I had almost died. After a bit of sitting there...staring at my kayak floating in the water, a group of men came through with a small motor boat that spotted my kayak. They seemed confused as to where it came from and looked to see if the owner might be near by, hopefully okay. I called out to them to say it was my kayak. They loaded it into their boat, and headed over to me. Once they got to me, they produced not only my kayak but Tim's paddle and...my water bottle. Now, this may seem a strange thing to be excited for. But, as I have explained to many people whom I'm sure share your confused look, this water bottle was sentimental to me. I purchased this water bottle at a store called Good Earth Market in Billings, MT many moons ago when I was out there on my traveling adventure. I've had this water bottle ever since. And thanks to these nice men, I still use it to this day. The fact that they found it and thought to pluck it out of the water amazes me. I dragged my kayak and the paddle up on land and thanked the kind gentlemen over and over before they were on their way.
Eventually I began walking the trail that would lead me to the opposite side of the lake (and the road). I was still in clear view of the paddle trail so I would know if Tim had returned. I eventually got to a spot where I saw Tim's kayak, but it was across the water, tangled in the swampy branches. I sat there and waited for Tim to come. Some time went by, and I looked up to see Tim and Gracie approaching with a canoe. After retrieving his kayak and paddling over to me, he explained he had sighted his kayak but could not get to it. He had decided to walk to our friend's house to use her kayak to paddle to his. On the way there, he was having a difficult time keeping Gracie next to him (since the leash was somewhere in the lake). He came upon a home that had a canoe in their side yard. He explained to the owners what had happened and they insisted he borrow their canoe for the rescue. He carried the canoe to the closest put-in spot and the rest is history. We've actually joked about this occasion many times, and have an acquaintance that scuba dives and does water rescue who has offered to search for my camera and cellphone that are swimming with the fishes somewhere in Lake Colby.
Gracie had just gotten back into my kayak. I wasn't paying much attention to her actions, but she was apparently fixated on something that drew her immediate attention. She jumped suddenly from the kayak and flipped us.
I was completely unprepared and before I knew it I was under water. Scared, confused, gasping, flailing, all I saw was a dark brown-grey color, comprehending only the rush. I did not feel the wetness against my skin, the water churning through my fingers as I grabbed at my surroundings, the pressure building in my chest as my lungs ached for oxygen, the chill of the earth so far below my feet, I felt nothing.
It took me a moment to respond. I started fighting to get to the surface of the water. I didn't even know how far down I was. My legs were tangled in the strap of my bag. I struggled and pushed and forced. When I finally got to the top of the water my kayak was above me blocking me from the surface and knocking me back down. Down into the dark, cloudy, cold nightmare that was finally flashing into my reality. I caught a quick breath before I went back under, filtering just enough life back into my system to fight back again. My second attempt I was successful in clearing the kayak. I caught my breath and searched around for Gracie.
By that time, Tim was beside me trying to help calm me so I could focus on staying afloat. In case you haven't figured it out...I didn't have my life jacket on. I spotted Gracie swimming close by, in circles, trying to understand what was happening, and trying to get to me. When I caught my breath, I started the swim to shore. It took what felt like years to get to there, to a place that seemed to get further and further from my reach. Finally, Gracie and I climbed the jagged rocky area and sat on the bank.
Taking in the moment, slowly coming to terms with what had just happened. We watched for a moment while Tim struggled to right my old kayak (that has no drain hole).
*Tip to those who may ever find themselves in this predicament - If the person you are with flips their kayak...paddle your kayak to them...it is the much wiser choice. Not only will you get to them quicker, you will a) not have to search for your kayak and paddle later, b) be able to use your kayak to guide them (and their kayak) to shore, c) will not literally be up shit creek without a paddle.*
He finally gave up and swam over to where we were. He stated he was going to try to find his kayak, use it to grab mine, then bring it to me. Gracie, of course, had to follow. I sat there for some time...waiting...thinking...still not fully grasping the fact I had almost died. After a bit of sitting there...staring at my kayak floating in the water, a group of men came through with a small motor boat that spotted my kayak. They seemed confused as to where it came from and looked to see if the owner might be near by, hopefully okay. I called out to them to say it was my kayak. They loaded it into their boat, and headed over to me. Once they got to me, they produced not only my kayak but Tim's paddle and...my water bottle. Now, this may seem a strange thing to be excited for. But, as I have explained to many people whom I'm sure share your confused look, this water bottle was sentimental to me. I purchased this water bottle at a store called Good Earth Market in Billings, MT many moons ago when I was out there on my traveling adventure. I've had this water bottle ever since. And thanks to these nice men, I still use it to this day. The fact that they found it and thought to pluck it out of the water amazes me. I dragged my kayak and the paddle up on land and thanked the kind gentlemen over and over before they were on their way.
Eventually I began walking the trail that would lead me to the opposite side of the lake (and the road). I was still in clear view of the paddle trail so I would know if Tim had returned. I eventually got to a spot where I saw Tim's kayak, but it was across the water, tangled in the swampy branches. I sat there and waited for Tim to come. Some time went by, and I looked up to see Tim and Gracie approaching with a canoe. After retrieving his kayak and paddling over to me, he explained he had sighted his kayak but could not get to it. He had decided to walk to our friend's house to use her kayak to paddle to his. On the way there, he was having a difficult time keeping Gracie next to him (since the leash was somewhere in the lake). He came upon a home that had a canoe in their side yard. He explained to the owners what had happened and they insisted he borrow their canoe for the rescue. He carried the canoe to the closest put-in spot and the rest is history. We've actually joked about this occasion many times, and have an acquaintance that scuba dives and does water rescue who has offered to search for my camera and cellphone that are swimming with the fishes somewhere in Lake Colby.
On My Way
Who says you can't go home? I do. I adore you Jon...but you're wrong (at least in some sense). I felt that hunger growing inside me to come back to my mountains. The place I have always felt 'home'. So back I came. Only to find my 'home' was no longer home to me. I was different, and it was different, and the balance I felt in the past was no longer there.
I had held out moving until I found a decent job (I was smart enough to do that this time around). My good friend opened her home to Gracie and I while I searched (still) for a decent apartment. Anyone with pets, living in a college town can understand how difficult THAT can be! I was grateful for her hospitality, but I am not an easy person to live with...mostly because I am uncomfortable living with others. In any event, I finally found a place and I was on my way...I was on track...right? Wrong...and let the spiral unfold.
I had held out moving until I found a decent job (I was smart enough to do that this time around). My good friend opened her home to Gracie and I while I searched (still) for a decent apartment. Anyone with pets, living in a college town can understand how difficult THAT can be! I was grateful for her hospitality, but I am not an easy person to live with...mostly because I am uncomfortable living with others. In any event, I finally found a place and I was on my way...I was on track...right? Wrong...and let the spiral unfold.
Living With Ghosts
I left Saranac Lake on a journey to begin again. I had met Tim earlier that year, and when I mentioned moving to Ithaca for Massage Therapy school, he was interested in joining me.
We were both accepted, but holding out on our loans. Having been a professional student in the past, I figured 'I got this, the loans will come through no problem...why wouldn't they?'
Well...they didn't...and there we were.
Yup, pour some more salt on my wounds, kick me while I'm down. No jobs lined up, no real plan B. I was ready to throw in the towel and crawl back to Saranac Lake and just figure it out when I got there. But, Tim gave me a stern (but gentle) talking to, which was exactly what I needed.
We stayed in the Ithaca area for another few years until early 2012. During that time, there were points when we were each working over 70 hours a week, taking on 2-4 jobs.
I finally landed a job working at a nature center. The majority of the time I was filled with content. I adored the people I worked with, was serene in my natural world surroundings, and I was able to live without fear of when my paycheck would hit my account. So why wasn't I happy? I was further from my family and friends...and I was depressed. I was letting that darkness come back into my life.
Now, years later, I have come to the conclusion that I have forged through my life from one bad experience to the next. I should say that was my perspective of it. Though I gave the outward appearance of loving life and being happy-go-lucky Jess, inside I was just waiting for that next hammer to fall. I wanted those around me to be happy, and it made me happy to see them happy, and if I could contribute to a part of that happiness that would make my heart happy. I missed the part where I was actually living a good life too. I was living from one good experience to the next with some bad memories thrown in between.
So I decided, as I often do, that it was time to move on. My fondness for my mountains and the perfect life I experienced there once before overcame me. I began looking for a job and apartment in Saranac Lake and enforced some friends to help be my feet and ears locally. Not giving much option to Tim, I expressed my unhappiness and yearning to shed my skin and start over again.
We were both accepted, but holding out on our loans. Having been a professional student in the past, I figured 'I got this, the loans will come through no problem...why wouldn't they?'
Well...they didn't...and there we were.
Yup, pour some more salt on my wounds, kick me while I'm down. No jobs lined up, no real plan B. I was ready to throw in the towel and crawl back to Saranac Lake and just figure it out when I got there. But, Tim gave me a stern (but gentle) talking to, which was exactly what I needed.
We stayed in the Ithaca area for another few years until early 2012. During that time, there were points when we were each working over 70 hours a week, taking on 2-4 jobs.
I finally landed a job working at a nature center. The majority of the time I was filled with content. I adored the people I worked with, was serene in my natural world surroundings, and I was able to live without fear of when my paycheck would hit my account. So why wasn't I happy? I was further from my family and friends...and I was depressed. I was letting that darkness come back into my life.
Now, years later, I have come to the conclusion that I have forged through my life from one bad experience to the next. I should say that was my perspective of it. Though I gave the outward appearance of loving life and being happy-go-lucky Jess, inside I was just waiting for that next hammer to fall. I wanted those around me to be happy, and it made me happy to see them happy, and if I could contribute to a part of that happiness that would make my heart happy. I missed the part where I was actually living a good life too. I was living from one good experience to the next with some bad memories thrown in between.
So I decided, as I often do, that it was time to move on. My fondness for my mountains and the perfect life I experienced there once before overcame me. I began looking for a job and apartment in Saranac Lake and enforced some friends to help be my feet and ears locally. Not giving much option to Tim, I expressed my unhappiness and yearning to shed my skin and start over again.
Obey the Traffic Laws
Through the years, I have learned about myself. I have learned about those around me. But, most of all I have carved a good chunk of my brain to realize the hard, cruel reality about life. I have loved, lost, found, lost, screamed, laughed, ran, crawled, wandered, lost, shamed, paved, paddled, gained, lost, shoveled, showed, gorged, purged, climbed, and...lost. We have all gained and we have all lost in some form or another. That is the reality that creates the awesome sauce of life.
Trying to get my derailed train back on track - after my break up woes, I pushed forward.
I thought myself to be very happy with my life and the world I was creating around me. But, as expressed in the lyrics from the song below, 'all I can feel is the realness I'm faking', and I lived that life over and over...and OVER again. Too many times, I turned that car around and drove back into the darkness that consumed me. It was easier...it was comforting...it was my reality.
I'm good, I'm fine. I need him, I don't need him. I got the job, I don't need this job. Do we need milk? Did I just run that stop sign? Maybe I should learn to do this, maybe I could do that. Is that a bald eagle? What am I searching for? Is it down this road? No? Maybe I should take this turn. I just want to sleep. Gracie, Let's go for a hike!
I can't hike today...it's too cold...it's too sunny...my boots are all the way on the other side of the room...
The above is a slight excerpt of how my mind would race. Not allowing me to spend enough time on one thought before shoving another down my throat. The thought of taking one step forward was sometimes more than I could handle, so I decided to not take any steps at all. And just remain...deep in my comfort zone. As I watched the world continue on in it's colorful pattern around me, through me, beyond my reach. As if I was watching from a secret hiding spot.
Trying to get my derailed train back on track - after my break up woes, I pushed forward.
I thought myself to be very happy with my life and the world I was creating around me. But, as expressed in the lyrics from the song below, 'all I can feel is the realness I'm faking', and I lived that life over and over...and OVER again. Too many times, I turned that car around and drove back into the darkness that consumed me. It was easier...it was comforting...it was my reality.
I'm good, I'm fine. I need him, I don't need him. I got the job, I don't need this job. Do we need milk? Did I just run that stop sign? Maybe I should learn to do this, maybe I could do that. Is that a bald eagle? What am I searching for? Is it down this road? No? Maybe I should take this turn. I just want to sleep. Gracie, Let's go for a hike!
I can't hike today...it's too cold...it's too sunny...my boots are all the way on the other side of the room...
The above is a slight excerpt of how my mind would race. Not allowing me to spend enough time on one thought before shoving another down my throat. The thought of taking one step forward was sometimes more than I could handle, so I decided to not take any steps at all. And just remain...deep in my comfort zone. As I watched the world continue on in it's colorful pattern around me, through me, beyond my reach. As if I was watching from a secret hiding spot.
Unhealthy Consumption
Many years ago, I was consumed in a relationship with the love of my life. We had found each other once again after parting ways in high school. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed and thought my life was a fairy tale.
That fairy tale ended quite abruptly (for me) and I spent years searching to fill that void, longing for some sort of understanding so I could continue on and find that surreal happiness again in my life.
I felt crushed, confused, and most of all that I was the one lacking. I'm certain others have been in this spot at some point, and maybe are in it now. I am a person who believes in signs and that everything happens for a reason. Though it was a long and difficult passage leaving scars that may never heal, it was a path I had to travel. And, I feel myself lucky to have been given the opportunity to travel it and find pieces of myself along the way.
It was only recently, after many MANY many hardships were endured, I realized my priorities and visions were far out of whack. I was relying on one person to carve out the rest of my life, mold my thoughts of how to live life to the fullest, offer me exciting adventures and ideas for the future. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, I miss him very much. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend. We got each other, we had conversations (which is a feat for me), we shared similar bonds, interests, feelings...and that's not easy to come by.
I feel a void, but that is a void I will never fill again. I understand this, and I also understand that it is a void that isn't meant to be filled. It doesn't need to be. He has long moved on, married and most certainly happy. I desired that for him all along. He is still with me, in my heart...swimming around. He floats to the surface from time to time, and that's okay. Because you know what? It only helps me press on and not look back.
I appreciate what he gave me in my life, but the time is overdue to create my own life filled with people who don't walk away.
*Spoiler Alert* Every little thing...is gonna be alright. (To be continued)
That fairy tale ended quite abruptly (for me) and I spent years searching to fill that void, longing for some sort of understanding so I could continue on and find that surreal happiness again in my life.
I felt crushed, confused, and most of all that I was the one lacking. I'm certain others have been in this spot at some point, and maybe are in it now. I am a person who believes in signs and that everything happens for a reason. Though it was a long and difficult passage leaving scars that may never heal, it was a path I had to travel. And, I feel myself lucky to have been given the opportunity to travel it and find pieces of myself along the way.
It was only recently, after many MANY many hardships were endured, I realized my priorities and visions were far out of whack. I was relying on one person to carve out the rest of my life, mold my thoughts of how to live life to the fullest, offer me exciting adventures and ideas for the future. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, I miss him very much. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend. We got each other, we had conversations (which is a feat for me), we shared similar bonds, interests, feelings...and that's not easy to come by.
I feel a void, but that is a void I will never fill again. I understand this, and I also understand that it is a void that isn't meant to be filled. It doesn't need to be. He has long moved on, married and most certainly happy. I desired that for him all along. He is still with me, in my heart...swimming around. He floats to the surface from time to time, and that's okay. Because you know what? It only helps me press on and not look back.
I appreciate what he gave me in my life, but the time is overdue to create my own life filled with people who don't walk away.
*Spoiler Alert* Every little thing...is gonna be alright. (To be continued)
Friday, February 14, 2014
Finding My Alaska
I FEEL A NEED TO BRING YOU UP TO SPEED SINCE IT'S BEEN LITERALLY YEARS SINCE I POSTED.
SO...I have broken up the next few posts to shed a little light into the past few years of my life. Though I may add some tidbits here and there as my memory corrects itself, I thought I would throw down a few bread crumbs for you to follow that will guide you along the path I have taken, bringing me to where I am today. I figured posting one long marathon post was probably not the way to go. Even Gone With The Wind had an intermission, right?!
Moving forward, I am considering deactivating my Facebook account and posting my life here. I feel that the time I spend not being engorged in the drama of Facebook world, I will actually be focusing on my own life, and making it a life worth sharing with you. :-)
So, grab a stiff cup of java, snuggle in, and enjoy the ride with me!
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