Living With Ghosts

I left Saranac Lake on a journey to begin again. I had met Tim earlier that year, and when I mentioned moving to Ithaca for Massage Therapy school, he was interested in joining me.
We were both accepted, but holding out on our loans. Having been a professional student in the past, I figured 'I got this, the loans will come through no problem...why wouldn't they?'
Well...they didn't...and there we were.
Yup, pour some more salt on my wounds, kick me while I'm down. No jobs lined up, no real plan B. I was ready to throw in the towel and crawl back to Saranac Lake and just figure it out when I got there. But, Tim gave me a stern (but gentle) talking to, which was exactly what I needed. 

We stayed in the Ithaca area for another few years until early 2012. During that time, there were points when we were each working over 70 hours a week, taking on 2-4 jobs.
I finally landed a job working at a nature center. The majority of the time I was filled with content. I adored the people I worked with, was serene in my natural world surroundings, and I was able to live without fear of when my paycheck would hit my account. So why wasn't I happy? I was further from my family and friends...and I was depressed. I was letting that darkness come back into my life.
Now, years later, I have come to the conclusion that I have forged through my life from one bad experience to the next. I should say that was my perspective of it. Though I gave the outward appearance of loving life and being happy-go-lucky Jess, inside I was just waiting for that next hammer to fall. I wanted those around me to be happy, and it made me happy to see them happy, and if I could contribute to a part of that happiness that would make my heart happy. I missed the part where I was actually living a good life too. I was living from one good experience to the next with some bad memories thrown in between. 

So I decided, as I often do, that it was time to move on. My fondness for my mountains and the perfect life I experienced there once before overcame me. I began looking for a job and apartment in Saranac Lake and enforced some friends to help be my feet and ears locally. Not giving much option to Tim, I expressed my unhappiness and yearning to shed my skin and start over again.