Through the years, I have learned about myself. I have learned about those around me. But, most of all I have carved a good chunk of my brain to realize the hard, cruel reality about life. I have loved, lost, found, lost, screamed, laughed, ran, crawled, wandered, lost, shamed, paved, paddled, gained, lost, shoveled, showed, gorged, purged, climbed, and...lost. We have all gained and we have all lost in some form or another. That is the reality that creates the awesome sauce of life.
Trying to get my derailed train back on track - after my break up woes, I pushed forward.
I thought myself to be very happy with my life and the world I was creating around me. But, as expressed in the lyrics from the song below, 'all I can feel is the realness I'm faking', and I lived that life over and over...and OVER again. Too many times, I turned that car around and drove back into the darkness that consumed me. It was easier...it was comforting...it was my reality.
I'm good, I'm fine. I need him, I don't need him. I got the job, I don't need this job. Do we need milk? Did I just run that stop sign? Maybe I should learn to do this, maybe I could do that. Is that a bald eagle? What am I searching for? Is it down this road? No? Maybe I should take this turn. I just want to sleep. Gracie, Let's go for a hike!
I can't hike today...it's too cold...it's too sunny...my boots are all the way on the other side of the room...
The above is a slight excerpt of how my mind would race. Not allowing me to spend enough time on one thought before shoving another down my throat. The thought of taking one step forward was sometimes more than I could handle, so I decided to not take any steps at all. And just remain...deep in my comfort zone. As I watched the world continue on in it's colorful pattern around me, through me, beyond my reach. As if I was watching from a secret hiding spot.
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