It's hard to say goodbye over a telephone, but sometimes thats all you have. Things happen you have no control over. Sometimes life makes the call. Sometimes you can hold something in your hands for only so long and then you have to let it go.
My beagle Autumn has been sick for over a week now. The Vet narrowed it down to Hep B, a liver tumor, or Lymphoma.
Since I moved out of my house, my mother has been taking care of Audi. She was able to give her attention and take better care of her than I could have, given my financial state at the moment. I'm blessed to have good people in my life that know how much my animals mean to me. So, today...my mother called me with thoughts I have been turning over in my own mind for some time now. Autumn is just over 13 years old. She hasn't eaten in almost 5 days. Her mouth and neck were now beginning to swell (which the Vet said was a sign of Lymphoma). We have the option of doing exploratory surgery or an internal ultrasound, but given her age (and the fact that she has already survived pancreatitis twice) do we really want to put her through being a lab rat? Only to prolong what I already have no control over? We all know the 'right' answer. We all know the 'right' thing that needed to be done. So I found myself having to say 'goodbye' over the telephone. I found myself crying through my words. Barely able to breathe, barely able to find the words to sum up how much she really meant to me, and how much I appreciated the years of memories. The years of being one of the only beings in my life to make me feel happy to come home.
For anyone who has never had the pleasure of loving a animal, you have no idea.
Autumn gave me over 13 years of unconditional love. Why is it no human seems to be able to do that for another human? Maybe when we learn to treat others as we would want to be treated, the world wouldn't be in half of the trouble it is now. But who am I? Just a silent voice in the crowd. Well, at least now I have a few souls shouting down my words from Heaven too.
Friday, January 19th I had to play God. I had to make the decision to not let Autumn get to the point where she was suffering or losing her quality of life. I had to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. But, now that I have, I know it was what needed to be done. I realize that what does not kill you makes you stronger, and it's just another lesson in life I can add to my list.
Autumn Girl Bennett
08.21.93 ~ 01.19.07
