A few days ago was Valentine's Day. To me, this day is like any other day. I feel that too many holidays have become commercialized. Valentine's Day should not be recognized ONE day each year. Just as you should celebrate your birth and life every day of the year, I believe you should celebrate love, happiness, friendship, family, peace and growth EVERY day of the year. This should be what you are grateful for, what you are thankful for, and what you strive to keep close to your heart every day of the year.
Let me lay out a couple scenes for you:
On Valentine's Day, I scrolled through Facebook and was a bit saddened by many of the posts I saw. People flashing flowers and gifts on the screen, remarking how their 'significant other was the best and they love them so much BECAUSE they got them such and such'.
I was in the grocery store yesterday, and overheard a child asking her mother if she could have a candy bar. The mother gave in and said yes. The daughter was so overjoyed as she said (and I quote), 'Oh Mom, you're the best. Thank you so much. I love you so much.'
I know maybe I'm nit-picking. I know these people most likely love the others in their lives for many more reasons than 'because they got this for me'. But, as a society I have seen this so much, and it just eats away at me.
I do not measure the worth of my relationships with those in my life because of what they can provide for me. I measure it by how they make me feel, how they make me think, and if they are actually there to help the sunshine remain in my life or if they are there to try to suck every last breath from me.
I would like to jump back a bit, to a post I created in reference to someone who is no longer in my life. I had mentioned that everything happens for a reason, and everything...was going to be alright.
Reading along in my recent posts, I have mentioned Tim. Tim and I met not long after my break up that shook my core. When we first got together we had an amazing and fun chemistry. We laughed together, spent as much time together as we could, and had the normal honeymoon style relationship most people encounter. But I was still stuck in phase one trying to crawl out from under the spell my previous boyfriend had on me, and it wasn't remotely fair to Tim to try to build a relationship from that. Over the next couple years we tried off and on to reproach that spark with a new outlook. Inevitably it always came back too hard for me because I wasn't allowing myself to be ready.
Tim and I continued our friendship, sharing struggles, laughs, memories, hardships, loves and losses. He looked to me and I looked to him. Essentially we were living the life of a couple, without being a couple. That got me through the next couple years.
Why did he stick with it? He must have sensed what I realize now. It was just meant to be, gosh darn it. Stop sticking your feet in the muck and go with it!
So you may ask what made the light bulb go off for me? I don't think it was any one 'a-ha!' moment. When I allowed myself to step back and breath for a moment, concentrate on me, my direction, my life, my world, I realized that he was in it. He was playing a very vibrant part in my play and he fit. He had a way of playing numerous characters depending on what situation I threw at him, and what's more, he accepted the challenge every time. Every...time.
So when you ask me what I think makes a relationship, it's not whether he remembers to buy me flowers, it's that he remembers I would prefer flowers over jewelry any day. It's not whether he can afford to take me to some exotic island, it's that he remembers that a simple walk in the woods helps rejuvenate my spirit more than any drug could try. It's not whether he tells me he loves me, it's that I know without him telling me.
We have a relationship that is NOT a fairy tale. It's real, it's raw, it's happy, it's painful, it's ridiculous, it's memorable, it's cloudy, it's confusing, it's exactly as it should be.
It's more than words. It's what completes my soul and balances my existence.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Taste The Rainbow
Side stepping off my last post, I wanted to go further and mention that as much as I have realized (more recently than not) that I don't need for much in this world, there was a time when I was greedy and wanted what I wanted cause gosh darn it I worked hard and I wanted it, so there! Yes, I've grown up since then thankfully. I don't think I could tolerate being in the same room as that person, and I'm pretty tolerable. Now because I have a past, I also have debt. Lots.of.debt. I am currently trying to crawl out from under that so that I can possibly move forward and leave it where it should be...next to the tantrum child I described above.
So I sought out for a job that would provide for me now, and help me shovel the dirt (in forms of green) over my hole of debt I had created.
I found my current job almost unexpectedly, but thanks to 'glowing' references, I was hired. For the first time in my life I was actually disappointed by this. I didn't want to leave my previous job, but I knew it was for the best. There was a need for me to start immediately, but I insisted on giving my two weeks notice. Although I knew the my new schedule would make it near impossible to help out there, I offered to stay on the payroll just in case.
I began my new journey in my current job in the beginning of October last year. And what a journey it has been! In all fairness, despite being saddened by the reasoning of being there, I felt it necessary to make the best of it. It's not in me to be pessimistic. I generally approach every situation with an open mind, ready to give the benefit of the doubt in clear hopes all will work out with a balance in the end.
Well, I have to say approximately 4 months later...my current workplace has done everything short of smash my head in with the kitchen sink to make my life seem utterly chaotic. It's very difficult for me to put this into words(but I'll try to create a visual).
I hit the ground running...attempting at a straight line, but often being shoved off course. Two visions come to mind:
One memory I have is of a squirrel who must have been clipped by a vehicle and was running from one side of the road to the other frantically in circles. Clearly blinded by confusion it covered the same path over and back, searching for something familiar to take its hand and guide it out of this painful breathtaking moment.
Second (and what I have been envisioning coming next), a few years ago when Tim and I were headed home from a friend's wedding, we came across a fox who had been hit and left for dead. His hind quarters were stuck to the road because of the impact and he was screeching out in desperation. Each mournful sound shook my core. We pulled over and Tim tried to salvage the strength to do what he knew had to be done. He searched his car to find something that was strong enough to complete the damage.
I made the mistake of looking in the side mirror once to watch him bring his arm up and forcefully down and see the poor fox still crying out after each blow. Finally he succumb to the injuries and Tim scooped up the limp body and placed it well off the side of the road.
Now for those of you who try to read far too much into things, put down the phone...this is not a suicidal cry for help. I'm simply stating I am just about at my whit's end, BUT I am currently examining my options, and I know when the time is right, it will come to me.
Until then, I will forge forward as I always do. Thinking happy thoughts.
Happy...unicorn farting rainbow thoughts...
So I sought out for a job that would provide for me now, and help me shovel the dirt (in forms of green) over my hole of debt I had created.
I found my current job almost unexpectedly, but thanks to 'glowing' references, I was hired. For the first time in my life I was actually disappointed by this. I didn't want to leave my previous job, but I knew it was for the best. There was a need for me to start immediately, but I insisted on giving my two weeks notice. Although I knew the my new schedule would make it near impossible to help out there, I offered to stay on the payroll just in case.
I began my new journey in my current job in the beginning of October last year. And what a journey it has been! In all fairness, despite being saddened by the reasoning of being there, I felt it necessary to make the best of it. It's not in me to be pessimistic. I generally approach every situation with an open mind, ready to give the benefit of the doubt in clear hopes all will work out with a balance in the end.
Well, I have to say approximately 4 months later...my current workplace has done everything short of smash my head in with the kitchen sink to make my life seem utterly chaotic. It's very difficult for me to put this into words(but I'll try to create a visual).
I hit the ground running...attempting at a straight line, but often being shoved off course. Two visions come to mind:
One memory I have is of a squirrel who must have been clipped by a vehicle and was running from one side of the road to the other frantically in circles. Clearly blinded by confusion it covered the same path over and back, searching for something familiar to take its hand and guide it out of this painful breathtaking moment.
Second (and what I have been envisioning coming next), a few years ago when Tim and I were headed home from a friend's wedding, we came across a fox who had been hit and left for dead. His hind quarters were stuck to the road because of the impact and he was screeching out in desperation. Each mournful sound shook my core. We pulled over and Tim tried to salvage the strength to do what he knew had to be done. He searched his car to find something that was strong enough to complete the damage.
I made the mistake of looking in the side mirror once to watch him bring his arm up and forcefully down and see the poor fox still crying out after each blow. Finally he succumb to the injuries and Tim scooped up the limp body and placed it well off the side of the road.
Now for those of you who try to read far too much into things, put down the phone...this is not a suicidal cry for help. I'm simply stating I am just about at my whit's end, BUT I am currently examining my options, and I know when the time is right, it will come to me.
Until then, I will forge forward as I always do. Thinking happy thoughts.
Happy...unicorn farting rainbow thoughts...
Piece Of The Pie
Through a referral from a sweet friend, I was able to obtain a job working every Saturday 4-8 am at a local resident home. It wasn't easy given the hour I had to go to bed and wake up, only to work 4 hours a week, but it was a foot in the door. I met many wonderful, interesting, kind souls and am grateful for my experience there. For nearly a year, I stayed on, able to land more hours working my way to full time and struggle to still search for a job that could get me off unemployment.
Sadly, it didn't happen. I took myself off unemployment prematurely because I simply couldn't take the stress of trying to prove myself to one more person. Each week you were required to prove you had submitted your application/resume to at least two jobs. You were required to search within 90 miles of public transit and 150 miles of your home base.
Being in a small area + having an unreliable vehicle (therefore not able to travel far) = nearly impossible to find a job or find anyone even offering.
The problem with some of the jobs in this area is that even though the local business is filled with hard working, decent, caring people, it is often run by a larger organization. Don't get me started on them...that's likely a topic for another blog spot. So, though it would have been ideal to have me working there full time able to help out and spread my worth, corporate did not see eye to eye with our pleas. Alas, the search began for something that could help me pay my bills and possibly build me a little money to set aside for a brighter future.
I have to mention, I live a very simple life. I don't ask for much. Years ago when I traveled cross country for my job, I packed all I needed for three months in my Subi and took to the road. It.was.wonderful. I was eye opening and a reality check. We are such a wasteful and greedy society, and I only see it getting toxically worse in the next generation. Now, I have to admit, I've been there. I can't say I wanted for much growing up. But through my life, I have come to realize what I NEED and what I think I need, and I try to keep myself in check with this. It's not always easy, it's actually easier some days to fall under that magical spell of bigger, better, more MORE more!! But, if you give yourself the opportunity to step back and breath, I can almost guarantee (depending on if you are willing to see it) you will realize what you think you need, you really don't need.
Sadly, it didn't happen. I took myself off unemployment prematurely because I simply couldn't take the stress of trying to prove myself to one more person. Each week you were required to prove you had submitted your application/resume to at least two jobs. You were required to search within 90 miles of public transit and 150 miles of your home base.
Being in a small area + having an unreliable vehicle (therefore not able to travel far) = nearly impossible to find a job or find anyone even offering.
The problem with some of the jobs in this area is that even though the local business is filled with hard working, decent, caring people, it is often run by a larger organization. Don't get me started on them...that's likely a topic for another blog spot. So, though it would have been ideal to have me working there full time able to help out and spread my worth, corporate did not see eye to eye with our pleas. Alas, the search began for something that could help me pay my bills and possibly build me a little money to set aside for a brighter future.
I have to mention, I live a very simple life. I don't ask for much. Years ago when I traveled cross country for my job, I packed all I needed for three months in my Subi and took to the road. It.was.wonderful. I was eye opening and a reality check. We are such a wasteful and greedy society, and I only see it getting toxically worse in the next generation. Now, I have to admit, I've been there. I can't say I wanted for much growing up. But through my life, I have come to realize what I NEED and what I think I need, and I try to keep myself in check with this. It's not always easy, it's actually easier some days to fall under that magical spell of bigger, better, more MORE more!! But, if you give yourself the opportunity to step back and breath, I can almost guarantee (depending on if you are willing to see it) you will realize what you think you need, you really don't need.
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